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Community Mosaic Entry - Role - Direct Experience

Forever Mine

I’m trying so hard. 
Trying too hard.

I’m still alone at times,
overcrowded at times. 

I laugh a big belly laugh,
I cry, and I can’t cry. 

I kick and scream,
I hug and I hold 

I try to make sense,
I try to forget. 
I want to remember. 
I am filled with regret. 

Because being me feels scary sometimes. 
Because being me, that’s real, sometimes.

And real is scary,
Real scares me. 

I’m trying so hard not to be misunderstood,
when I am the only one misunderstanding. 
I’m trying so hard not to be rushed,
when I am the only one rushing.  

But for me, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it will be worth it. 
For me. For her. For him. I know. And I don’t know shit. 

I’ve been obsessed with what is “wrong” with me… 
I’ve forgotten what is “right” with me.  

I’ve been trying to remind myself… while I’m trying to forget. 
Why can’t I see? Why do I have so many regrets?

I am strong. 
I am confident. 
I am funny. 
I am messy. 
I am clean. 
I am human. 
I am woman. 
I am her Mom. 
I am a “new” Mom. 

Everything’s new again. 
I am new again. 

I’m letting go, while fighting so hard. 

It’s so hard. 
It’s so hard. 
It’s so hard. 

I can’t cry. 
I can’t stop crying. 

There’s so much good. 
There’s a light. 
There’s so much joy, 
right here, tonight. 

“Fuck fear”
My Dad says. 

Fuck fear. 
Fuck fucking fear. 

Fuck anxiety. I know I’m sick. 
If you wanted a front row seat,
take your pick. 

The show has started. 
And it’s all real. 
This is real. 
The look and feel. 

I am not scared anymore. 
But I don’t want to fight. 
I am not scared anymore, 
But I can’t say goodnight. 

Now enough. 

Enough of the seriousness. 
Enough of the stress. 
Enough of trying,
I already passed the test. 

Just go to sleep now, it’s all okay. 
Hush hush. Now now, There there. 
Sleep, sleep, sleep, baby Rae. 

Be still, calm down.  
Be well. Stand your ground.  
You got this. And I got you. 
Now it’s time to say I do. 

Forever. For ever. 
And always. And all ways. 

You are stronger than yesterday. 
You are braver than you feel today. 

So just pause for now. Not stop; pause.

You need a breath. You need to breathe. 
It’s so good to see you. 
It’s so good to see me. 

There’s no rush now. 
Take your time,
There’s no rush now, 
You are doing just fine. 

Forever yours, 
forever ours, 
forever mine.

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