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Community Mosaic Entry - Role - Direct Experience

Poems: When I Stopped Seeing Color; Oh Dear Sleep; What Is Happening To Me?

When I Stopped Seeing Color

I am taking a much needed walk outside and all I see is black and white
I look around confused and rub my eyes many times
How can I not see color in broad daylight?
Why now and why me?
As I walk by a tree, I stare at it for a long time
Not to enjoy the moment but because I can’t remember what this huge thing is called
I stare at it longer, hoping the word will come to me
As I stammer the word “tree” out, I feel even more lost and now frightened
I start to yell out words of things I recognize, hoping I don’t forgot those names either
I am walking faster now and I just want to get away from these things I don’t recognize
My brain feels like mush, my body feels like its floating and my heart is beating way too fast
I continue to take many walks like this in those early days post-birth
And not once did I think to tell anyone the details of the absolute horror I was in

Oh Dear Sleep

Oh dear sleep, how I long for you
Oh dear sleep, how I loathe you
I count backwards, I count sheep, I listen to ocean waves, and I name body parts
Sleep does not come but what I do feel is my heart exploding, my mind becoming foggy and my body going immobile
It’s too quiet in the whole house, even the baby’s cries are far and distant
Its 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, and then 5 am
I am awake for it all and then it’s time to wake up for a “brand” new day
Each and every night is like this for 30 days straight
Oh dear sleep, I even prayed for you and you never came when I needed you most

What Is Happening to Me?

I keep seeing images me running into my four poster bed… with my baby
I keep seeing images of someone else doing what I need to… with my baby
I keep seeing images of me being stuck in my room forever… with my baby
I don’t know why or what is happening
If I say anything then I’ll be labeled crazy
If I say anything then I’ll be labeled a bad mom
If I say anything then I’ll be labeled all of it and more for a lifetime
I wanted my baby so bad so I shouldn’t feel all this
I wanted my baby so then I should be quiet
I wanted my baby so this must be all endured and that to without a peep
But I should have said something
But I should have told more people
But I should have not been afraid
Now 8 years later, I am finally saying something and I can’t stop anymore

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